Ways to be Brave

I cannot come up with a great blog post today so I will share this one from way back when.  Brave is a lonely game.


 I  spent three hours sitting on the bleachers the other night watching my daughter play two basket ball games. I am a quiet person and  that group of spectators held no close friends. So I watched the games and also people watched. My monkey mind went into over drive.

"Look at all of the grandparents here. I wonder what that would be like," I thought and the big heavy ache of having no living parents arrived in my solar plexus. I squeezed my eyes to push down the tears and tried to bring my focus back to my beautiful daughter giving her all on the court.

I heard laughing and talking among the spectators and my monkey mind headed into a train wreck of feelings and thoughts of being alone, wishing there was somebody with me, missing my parents and feeling like I didn't belong. For three hours I went back and forth from the monkey mind to my daughter. It was exhausting.

We arrived home to a messy kitchen and two teenagers sprawled watching TV. Immediately I wanted to scream about the mess and homework and TV rules.

But I didn't.

My quest to be brave in 2014 includes being braver in dealing with my emotions. Yelling about the mess wouldn't be about the mess. It would be a clever way of numbing the real angst I felt inside. Those three hours of monkey mind gymnastics left me raw. I made tea and decided to sit and breathe and mostly just give myself some space to honor that big heavy ache.

Thank God I did. As I made my tea, I realized that the mess included dinner for my daughter and I. Spaghetti and meatballs, salad and rolls were prepared by my youngest. I expressed my gratitude and sat down with my tea.

 My eldest walked by and said,"You look kinda depressed."

I looked up and realized all sets of blues were on me. I could have said, "I am fine hon."

But I didn't. I chose brave instead. I told them how I felt at the games and that I was still a little sad.

From there a conversation began about times each of us have felt that totally crappy feeling of 'aloneness' and 'not belonging'.  The big heavy ache dissipated. A memorable family conversation about universal feelings was shared.  The homework got done and the house got picked up. I felt brave.

Blessings,
Virginia

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