What Should I Do?

This is a piece I wrote years back. It was published in Chicken Soup For the Soul Divorce and Recovery. I posted it on my blog back in 2015. It is an important lesson on having faith as a single mom. It is also my mother's final gift to me. I thought it was a worthy TBT.

     As I lost my moorings in the divorce process, I desperately asked everyone, "What should I do?"
   
     The divorce was inevitable and now I had the task of figuring out how I was going to support my three children.

     The advice I heard repeatedly was ,"Find a full time job and sell the marital home,"

  When I was married, I had chosen to be a stay at home mom and I had loved the hours spent homeschooling and caring for my three children. Now I was faced with updating my resume, beginning a job search and selling my house.

     I did what I thought every single mom had to do. I didn't think I had another option.

     I was making tremendous progress. I had an offer on the house, although I had no idea where I was going to move. I was one of two top candidates for a full time job. And, although my almost three year older sobbed uncontrollably every time I left his presence, I still barreled forward, determined to do what I thought I should do.

     I was invited for a third interview for the job. I was confident I would be hired. I assumed this interview was  a formality. When I walked into the office, I received a very cool welcome.  I was two hours late. Although my calendar said the interview was to be at 3:00, the receptionist's calendar said it was scheduled for 1:00.

 I didn't get the job.

Then, to top off my day, my realtor called to tell me the potential buyers had lowered their bid due to the home inspection. The new offer was too low for me to accept.

     That night after my children fell asleep, I sobbed. I felt like a failure, everything inside hurt, and I simply wanted my mother. I wanted her gentle hand to rub my forehead and mostly I wanted her never failing faith.

     But my mother had Alzheimer's disease. On the Saturdays my children were with their father, I would go take care of my mother. Although she no longer recognized me and didn't really speak to me, on these days I would change her diaper, bathe her and help her eat. Most of the time I felt grateful for being able to care for her. Yet sometimes it seemed unreal and even cruel to have to lose both my marriage and my mother in the same breath.

     On this particular Saturday, I was merely overcome with sadness and fear. I had lost every iota of faith and had no idea what I should do. After I changed my mom and was brushing her hair I began to cry and talk to her as I had done before she had Alzheimer's.

     "What am I going to do Mom? How am I going to support my three children? I am so scared." I looked at her with tears streaming down my face.

     And then I saw something shift in her eyes. As clear as day she said "Virginia dear, you don't have to do anything. Take care of yourself. Take care of your children and leave the rest to God." She softly rubbed my forehead and smiled at me-- then her eyes went blank again.

     I received a miracle that day. My life as hard as it appeared, changed. I decided to become the single mom that I wanted to be, not what others expected me to be. And anytime it all feels like too much. I do as my mother told me.

     I take care of myself. I take care of my children. I leave the rest to God.

     He hasn't let me down yet.

Blessings,
Virginia

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