Single Mom Thriving: We Make the Impossible Doable

                Single Mom, We make the Impossible Doable

I saw this man today as I took a late afternoon run on the beach.

I watched him navigate his walker quite slowly to the shore's edge.  He was actually just an etch as I ran and pondered.

I thought of us, Single Moms. 

We single moms figure out how to make everything impossible doable.

We have some barriers.

Yet we do it.

We show up. 

We do the seemimgly impossible.

We thrive.

Amen!

Blessings,

Virginia

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Always a sliding scale  for single moms. xo 

Single Mom Thriving: Have Faith

Being a single mother is a dauntingly enormous job.

It is difficult to carry the weight of your family on your one set of shoulders.

It is exhausting being the only one to care for sick children.

It is lonely when there is no one to take care of you.

It is scary to look at the piles of bills, and the piles of laundry and the piles of commitments.

Being a single mother is doing the near impossible.

 I have been a single mom for almost 15 years. It is possible.

You just need to have faith. Faith in yourself. Faith in your children. Faith in God.

Having faith in yourself is the cornerstone of your family.  Keep telling yourself you can do it.    'You can do this' lead me to taking apart a toilet, fixing a dishwasher, setting up a generator, and dealing with a flooded basement. The list could go on.  Some mornings faith in myself was what got me out of bed.

Your children know if you believe in them. Have faith that they will have a joyous childhood and will grow into amazing adults.  They count way more than the ridiculous statistics.

Lastly and equally important have faith in God. When things seem hard ask God for help and trust help is already there. Times when I threw up my arms and asked God for help lead to the most amazing miracles.

Yes single motherhood is an arduous endeavor.

Faith makes it easier.



Blessings,
Virginia

If you need help along the way as a single mom email me here or call me here 207-361-7453

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What Should I Do?

This is a piece I wrote years back. It was published in Chicken Soup For the Soul Divorce and Recovery. I posted it on my blog back in 2015. It is an important lesson on having faith as a single mom. It is also my mother's final gift to me. I thought it was a worthy TBT.

     As I lost my moorings in the divorce process, I desperately asked everyone, "What should I do?"
   
     The divorce was inevitable and now I had the task of figuring out how I was going to support my three children.

     The advice I heard repeatedly was ,"Find a full time job and sell the marital home,"

  When I was married, I had chosen to be a stay at home mom and I had loved the hours spent homeschooling and caring for my three children. Now I was faced with updating my resume, beginning a job search and selling my house.

     I did what I thought every single mom had to do. I didn't think I had another option.

     I was making tremendous progress. I had an offer on the house, although I had no idea where I was going to move. I was one of two top candidates for a full time job. And, although my almost three year older sobbed uncontrollably every time I left his presence, I still barreled forward, determined to do what I thought I should do.

     I was invited for a third interview for the job. I was confident I would be hired. I assumed this interview was  a formality. When I walked into the office, I received a very cool welcome.  I was two hours late. Although my calendar said the interview was to be at 3:00, the receptionist's calendar said it was scheduled for 1:00.

 I didn't get the job.

Then, to top off my day, my realtor called to tell me the potential buyers had lowered their bid due to the home inspection. The new offer was too low for me to accept.

     That night after my children fell asleep, I sobbed. I felt like a failure, everything inside hurt, and I simply wanted my mother. I wanted her gentle hand to rub my forehead and mostly I wanted her never failing faith.

     But my mother had Alzheimer's disease. On the Saturdays my children were with their father, I would go take care of my mother. Although she no longer recognized me and didn't really speak to me, on these days I would change her diaper, bathe her and help her eat. Most of the time I felt grateful for being able to care for her. Yet sometimes it seemed unreal and even cruel to have to lose both my marriage and my mother in the same breath.

     On this particular Saturday, I was merely overcome with sadness and fear. I had lost every iota of faith and had no idea what I should do. After I changed my mom and was brushing her hair I began to cry and talk to her as I had done before she had Alzheimer's.

     "What am I going to do Mom? How am I going to support my three children? I am so scared." I looked at her with tears streaming down my face.

     And then I saw something shift in her eyes. As clear as day she said "Virginia dear, you don't have to do anything. Take care of yourself. Take care of your children and leave the rest to God." She softly rubbed my forehead and smiled at me-- then her eyes went blank again.

     I received a miracle that day. My life as hard as it appeared, changed. I decided to become the single mom that I wanted to be, not what others expected me to be. And anytime it all feels like too much. I do as my mother told me.

     I take care of myself. I take care of my children. I leave the rest to God.

     He hasn't let me down yet.

Blessings,
Virginia

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Single Mom Thriving: A Gift.

My goal was to give them a happy childhood.

I look back and I know I did.

My goal was to let them dream big.

They did. They still are.

My goal was to encourage them to work hard and not give up.

They did.  They still are.

I told them how proud I am of their hard work.

The response, " You taught us."

Could a single mom ever want a better gift?


Blessings,
Virginia

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Single Mom Thriving: I Can't Do It By Myself.

 As the youngest of ten children, I was often offered unsolicited help from my doting older siblings.  I hated it.
My response was always "I am not a baby. I can do it myself! "

 I was a determined and independent little girl.

That determination made putting myself though college and graduate school possible. It helped naturally birth three babies. Most importanly it made raising three children as a single mom achieveable.

All attributes all double edged swords.

I started out my single motherhood journey fiercely determined to make it. I was going to be the kind of mother I wanted to be. The absence of a husband wasn't going to change how I parented my children or how I chose to spend my time.  I wanted to prove to the world that I could do it all by myself .

My grit got me standing up. My grit made things happen. My grit alone though wasn't going to sustain me in the long haul.  I was tired of working so hard to prove I had it all under control.

Trying to do it all alone made me feel all alone.

Then all three of my children had the flu.  I could do laundry, clean up vomit, fetch buckets, dispense tylenol, rub heads, console and rinse and repeat for days.

 I could not lug three feverish, vomiting children to the store. I could not leave three feverish, vomiting children home alone.

I had to ask for help. There was no option.

My friend delivered groceries, medicine, movies and a much needed hug. She then checked in a few times each and every day. My children recovered and the flu moved on to me. That same friend took my children for few hours each day as I recovered.

 I didn't need to wait for  the flu to hit to ask for help. I could have asked at the first sign of overwhelm.

To this day, whenever I am feeling overwhelmed I always ask myself, "Is there someone who could help me with this?"

Suffering happens when we never ask for help and try to do everything all alone. 

Single Mom Thriving: Six Common Misconceptions of Single Moms

  I have heard many statements that contribute to the misconceptions of single moms. Here are my top six.

1."You are so lucky. You get every other weekend off"
     When my children were small I used the time they were with their dad to do the things that I couldn't get done when they were around. However, I did feel quite fortunate to go to the bathroom in peace.

Now that they are older, they want to be at home to be with their friends.  Weekends with their dad has become brief visits and creative orchestrating of schedules to spend time with their father.

While divorce offers many perks, having time off isn't one of them.

2."You're pretty. So don't worry. You'll get remarried soon,"
     Someone said this to me in the early stages of separation/divorce. I still shake my head.  What do my looks have to do with anything?

Contrary to belief, most single moms aren't in any rush to get remarried. They are looking for a new way to be happy.  Remarriage and happiness aren't necessarily a package deal.

3." I don't know how you do it."
      This is often said with an undertone of pity. Please don't feel sorry for a single mom.  I don't know how I do it either, but what is my other option?

You too would manage to do anything for your children.

Offer help not pity.

4."Your poor children have to grow up in a broken family."

     I am astonished that the negative stigma towards children growing with a single mom still exists.  My children were raised by me and are doing just fine. Two will be in college in the fall and all three are honor students and wonderful human beings. There is absolutely nothing broken here. Except for the dishwasher .

5."Getting divorced is the easy way out."

     There is nothing easy about divorce. It is a painstakingly difficult decision to make and a heart wrenching process to go through. Choosing to get divorced is often a smart decision and the best decision in many situations. In many ways it benefits both children and adults, but it is not the easy way out.

6. "But you are all alone. You must be so lonely."

        Loneliness and being alone are not synonyms.

Of the hundreds of single moms I have coached, being alone has built strength and self esteem to heights they never knew existed. A central part of the healing process is getting to know yourself better which translates into enjoying your own company.

Single moms are champions for their children and appreciate the value of a village. So while there are many things we do alone, there are numerous things others have stepped up to the plate to help us with.

We have created lives that overflow with helpers. And while many untruths remain to the ignorant, the village of helpers knows that being a single mom is pretty awesome!

Single Mom Thriving: The Coaching Process

The number one issue that leads single moms to me is overwhelm.

Overwhelm was a constant companion of mine for many years. How I handled it, and how I teach other single moms to handle overwhelm is a three step process.

1. Shine the light on the shame, fear and unworthiness that, as single moms we often feel.

Stuffing those feelings down only creates more overwhelm. Shining light on them, letting them just be there helps to loosen their grip on you.  We shine light on feelings by talking about them, naming them, drawing them ,even dancing them. They never really go away but when they come up they don't scare us.

2. Shifting your mindset.

When I first got divorced, the label single mom brought up visions of poverty, and feelings of worthlessness.  So I changed my new identity from single mom to CEO of my family. That  one shift made all of the difference. Changing your mind about yourself is the most loving act you could give yourself and your family.

3. Creating an action plan

Once you have a recipe for dealing with the raw emotions and a new way of seeing yourself in the world, you are ready to create a solid action plan of moving ahead with your life. The action plan is of your making but it includes a regimen of excellent self care.

It is such an honor to witness the transformation of my fellow single mom CEO's.

Blessings,
Virginia