I Should NOT Be Feeling Like This

" I should NOT be feeling like this."

That statement is one of the worst things we could ever tell ourselves.

I know that.

I teach that.

Yet today I told myself  I should NOT feel like this numerous times.

  Here are a few:

"It has been over a decade. Get over it Gin." I did not feel better.

"I cannot believe I am such a crybaby."  I felt worse.

"I should not be feeling this. I should be used to it. I should be happy. I should be better." I felt absolutely horrible.

Two of my three most beloveds took off today for a trip to Florida with their dad and their grandparents. Their grandparents wanted a trip with all three kiddos and it was a splendid idea. .
Until I realized one child would be home.

I got over that beautifully or so I thought.

As they pulled out of my driveway this morning,  I felt the  familiar nausea, heart cracking in half, and tears welling, yet I smiled, waved and blew kisses. All while the self talk pounded in my head:
"I should NOT be feeling this. It has been over a decade. Get over it Gin." 

They left and I continued my pre work morning routine of laundry, dishes, pick up, and dog walk  with tears rolling down my face. The monkey mind continued, "I cannot believe I am such a crybaby."

I got on my computer and made an attempt at working and resentment crept  in. I was supposed to be on vacation right now. I was supposed to be on the Great Single Momma Escape. Yet here I was doing the five kajillion things that make this family run. "I should not be feeling like this. I should be used to it. I should be happy I should be better."

Then a friend called. Her words, "He gets to take them on a fun vacation while you are still doing yesterdays laundry and dishes. I think I'd be resentful. You CAN feel that and still be a great mom. You know that right?"

It is okay to feel whatever feeling comes up.

Insanity happens when we judge feelings as bad.

It took me less than 30 minutes to allow the feelings without judgment and to come back to love. Love for me. Love for my kids. Love for what is.

 A picture of such love from a few years back: