Loving What Is

I am hanging out with a virus. Fever, chills, aches, congestion and a cough have visited. At the first sign I gave a great big F you and carried on with my activities. At the second sign, I took a couple of advil, upped my vitamin C and carried on.  Finally there was no more denying it but I still cursed, worried about my to do list, and fought.

As Katie Byron says, " You can argue with what is. You will be wrong 100% of the time but you can still argue."

Somewhere in the midst of a feverish night, I just stopped fighting it. I relaxed in the pain of it all.

I remembered being a little girl with horrible headaches. I used to look at my headaches  from afar, and I would color those headaches in my favorite colors of pinks and yellows. Sleep always came.

I brought that smart little girl back into this fifty year old woman's mind and  colored my aches, my congestion and my cough. Sleep came.

Today I made all of the phone calls necessary to relieve me of anything other than rest for a (gulp) COUPLE of days.

The world didn't end.

I am feeling a tad better.

I am going to go back to bed.

Guessing tomorrow will look a bit like this:

I won't fight that either.

My kids can shovel the driveway.

Loving what is.

Blessings,
Virginia

I Should NOT Be Feeling Like This

" I should NOT be feeling like this."

That statement is one of the worst things we could ever tell ourselves.

I know that.

I teach that.

Yet today I told myself  I should NOT feel like this numerous times.

  Here are a few:

"It has been over a decade. Get over it Gin." I did not feel better.

"I cannot believe I am such a crybaby."  I felt worse.

"I should not be feeling this. I should be used to it. I should be happy. I should be better." I felt absolutely horrible.

Two of my three most beloveds took off today for a trip to Florida with their dad and their grandparents. Their grandparents wanted a trip with all three kiddos and it was a splendid idea. .
Until I realized one child would be home.

I got over that beautifully or so I thought.

As they pulled out of my driveway this morning,  I felt the  familiar nausea, heart cracking in half, and tears welling, yet I smiled, waved and blew kisses. All while the self talk pounded in my head:
"I should NOT be feeling this. It has been over a decade. Get over it Gin." 

They left and I continued my pre work morning routine of laundry, dishes, pick up, and dog walk  with tears rolling down my face. The monkey mind continued, "I cannot believe I am such a crybaby."

I got on my computer and made an attempt at working and resentment crept  in. I was supposed to be on vacation right now. I was supposed to be on the Great Single Momma Escape. Yet here I was doing the five kajillion things that make this family run. "I should not be feeling like this. I should be used to it. I should be happy I should be better."

Then a friend called. Her words, "He gets to take them on a fun vacation while you are still doing yesterdays laundry and dishes. I think I'd be resentful. You CAN feel that and still be a great mom. You know that right?"

It is okay to feel whatever feeling comes up.

Insanity happens when we judge feelings as bad.

It took me less than 30 minutes to allow the feelings without judgment and to come back to love. Love for me. Love for my kids. Love for what is.

 A picture of such love from a few years back: