Ways to be Brave

I cannot come up with a great blog post today so I will share this one from way back when.  Brave is a lonely game.


 I  spent three hours sitting on the bleachers the other night watching my daughter play two basket ball games. I am a quiet person and  that group of spectators held no close friends. So I watched the games and also people watched. My monkey mind went into over drive.

"Look at all of the grandparents here. I wonder what that would be like," I thought and the big heavy ache of having no living parents arrived in my solar plexus. I squeezed my eyes to push down the tears and tried to bring my focus back to my beautiful daughter giving her all on the court.

I heard laughing and talking among the spectators and my monkey mind headed into a train wreck of feelings and thoughts of being alone, wishing there was somebody with me, missing my parents and feeling like I didn't belong. For three hours I went back and forth from the monkey mind to my daughter. It was exhausting.

We arrived home to a messy kitchen and two teenagers sprawled watching TV. Immediately I wanted to scream about the mess and homework and TV rules.

But I didn't.

My quest to be brave in 2014 includes being braver in dealing with my emotions. Yelling about the mess wouldn't be about the mess. It would be a clever way of numbing the real angst I felt inside. Those three hours of monkey mind gymnastics left me raw. I made tea and decided to sit and breathe and mostly just give myself some space to honor that big heavy ache.

Thank God I did. As I made my tea, I realized that the mess included dinner for my daughter and I. Spaghetti and meatballs, salad and rolls were prepared by my youngest. I expressed my gratitude and sat down with my tea.

 My eldest walked by and said,"You look kinda depressed."

I looked up and realized all sets of blues were on me. I could have said, "I am fine hon."

But I didn't. I chose brave instead. I told them how I felt at the games and that I was still a little sad.

From there a conversation began about times each of us have felt that totally crappy feeling of 'aloneness' and 'not belonging'.  The big heavy ache dissipated. A memorable family conversation about universal feelings was shared.  The homework got done and the house got picked up. I felt brave.

Blessings,
Virginia

Choose Life

In her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, Bonnie Ware lists not choosing happiness as one of the top five regrets.

I do believe happiness is a choice but is so much more than that. Our lives aren't meant to be all sunshine and roses. We all travel through dark times.  How does one choose happy in those moments?

We can fully appreciate the joy when we honor the uncomfortable feelings that ebb and flow. We can't run from grief or anxiety or anger  and expect to just be happy. Oh sure we can paste a smile on our face and start reciting affirmations in our head all day, but that doesn't bring joy. That just makes the feeling creep up in other ways, sometimes even as an illness.

Some of the most joyful moments in my life came after I met  pain head on.

I was the first person to enter the funeral home at my mothers wake. When I saw her in the coffin something primal jolted me and I ran out the door and down the street sobbing. My sister was waiting for me as I turned back. We comforted eachother and then had one of the most memorable belly laughs of my life.

The day my father died I remember riding a wave at the beach and feeling so free and joyful even though my heart was heavy and my eyes were puffed and red from all of the crying.

Perhaps the biggest regret isn't not choosing happiness but in not choosing life. When we choose life we open ourselves to it all and then the joy bursts open.

Daddy

Today marks his 88th. His numbers added up equal my daughter's age. They share the same birthday. I remember when Elise turned 8 and He turned 80. Naturally she did the math from that day forward, until he died.

Today I pulled Elise out of school to have a take out Chinese food  picnic at the beach to celebrate her Sweet 16. We had so much fun. I was joyous and enjoying my amazing daughter , the yummy food and the  breathtaking view. My heart was so full there was no room for anything else but Her.

Then while sinking her teeth into orange chicken, she said, "Today is  Pa's 88th birthday."

I paused, glanced at the sea, looked at the amazing young woman (my daughter) beside me  and said, " It sure is and he loved Chinese food too."

Happy Birthday Daddy! I Love You!

Love

I divorced my husband after 17 years of marriage and became a single mother of three children under 8. My mother died the following year after a long battle with Alzheimers. Three years later my father died, within days of being diagnosed with cancer.

My father's death was the impervial straw that broke the camel's back and I fell apart. I felt lost, scared and so very alone in the world. In my heart and mind  I felt LOVE had left me.

However, through the help of an amazing therapist and coach, through my own prayer and meditation and through my journey through the grief, I was able to slowly unwrap the gift of loss:

                                                 Love is always loving you.
                                                        -H.W.L. Poonja

I never lost love. Love was always and will always be inside of myself just as it is inside of you. The love my ex husband and I shared will never go away. It simply changed form. The love my parents have for me will never go away either. In fact, somedays I feel their love for me more than when they were on earth.

Nothing outside of ourselves can never change the truth. We are all love. Love is loving you and me right now regardless of any outside force.

Need some help tapping into your own radiant love. I would be honored to help. virginiamccormack05@gmail.com 
Blessings,
Virginia