I cannot come up with a great blog post today so I will share this one from way back when. Brave is a lonely game.
I spent three hours sitting on the bleachers the other night watching my daughter play two basket ball games. I am a quiet person and that group of spectators held no close friends. So I watched the games and also people watched. My monkey mind went into over drive.
"Look at all of the grandparents here. I wonder what that would be like," I thought and the big heavy ache of having no living parents arrived in my solar plexus. I squeezed my eyes to push down the tears and tried to bring my focus back to my beautiful daughter giving her all on the court.
I heard laughing and talking among the spectators and my monkey mind headed into a train wreck of feelings and thoughts of being alone, wishing there was somebody with me, missing my parents and feeling like I didn't belong. For three hours I went back and forth from the monkey mind to my daughter. It was exhausting.
We arrived home to a messy kitchen and two teenagers sprawled watching TV. Immediately I wanted to scream about the mess and homework and TV rules.
But I didn't.
My quest to be brave in 2014 includes being braver in dealing with my emotions. Yelling about the mess wouldn't be about the mess. It would be a clever way of numbing the real angst I felt inside. Those three hours of monkey mind gymnastics left me raw. I made tea and decided to sit and breathe and mostly just give myself some space to honor that big heavy ache.
Thank God I did. As I made my tea, I realized that the mess included dinner for my daughter and I. Spaghetti and meatballs, salad and rolls were prepared by my youngest. I expressed my gratitude and sat down with my tea.
My eldest walked by and said,"You look kinda depressed."
I looked up and realized all sets of blues were on me. I could have said, "I am fine hon."
But I didn't. I chose brave instead. I told them how I felt at the games and that I was still a little sad.
From there a conversation began about times each of us have felt that totally crappy feeling of 'aloneness' and 'not belonging'. The big heavy ache dissipated. A memorable family conversation about universal feelings was shared. The homework got done and the house got picked up. I felt brave.
Blessings,
Virginia
Showing posts with label brave. Show all posts
Showing posts with label brave. Show all posts
Monday's Course In Miracles
My daily spiritual practice consists of reading from the Course in Miracles, writing and meditating. Each Monday I share the daily lesson from the Course.
After my mornings meditation I received some sad news. An amazing, inspiring, full of life woman that I had the honor to know passed away yesterday. She was such an inspiration to the world with an ' F you cancer, I am still alive' attitude. News of her death derailed me.
My default button kicked in. That button signals: "Do anything but feel the real feeling."
So I moved into frantic picking up, putting away, walking the dog, and sloppy exercise. Attempt number one to begin writing failed. So I organized files, made a few phone calls and tried writing again. I failed again.
Learning that this amazing woman has left this world is extremely sad. I can do sad. The fact that cancer even exists is maddening. I can do angry.
Many people I have loved, up close and from afar, have left this world. I have felt crippling sadness and anger. Yet sadness and anger are the easy ones. Those are the ones we can so readily talk about and act upon and the world understands. What the world doesn't want to hear and what I hate to admit is that
Death makes me feel vulnerable and scared.
It makes me ask, " What is the point?"
It makes me fearful of my children's every movement.
It makes this whole impermanence in life scare the bejeesus out of me.
I didn't want to post today's lesson in The Course with fright hanging out in my heart.
So I went back and opened the book randomly.
I do not believe in coincidence.
I DO believe in Miracles.
Here are the words I was gifted with:
I Rest in God....this thought will carry you through storms and strife, past misery and pain, past loss and death and onward to the certainty of God. ACIM
With my vulnerability, my fear, my anger and my sorrow I can rest in God. HE is permanent.
Ann Murray Paige's message of love, hope,joy,and F you cancer is permanent too. Love never dies.
Blessings
After my mornings meditation I received some sad news. An amazing, inspiring, full of life woman that I had the honor to know passed away yesterday. She was such an inspiration to the world with an ' F you cancer, I am still alive' attitude. News of her death derailed me.
My default button kicked in. That button signals: "Do anything but feel the real feeling."
So I moved into frantic picking up, putting away, walking the dog, and sloppy exercise. Attempt number one to begin writing failed. So I organized files, made a few phone calls and tried writing again. I failed again.
Learning that this amazing woman has left this world is extremely sad. I can do sad. The fact that cancer even exists is maddening. I can do angry.
Many people I have loved, up close and from afar, have left this world. I have felt crippling sadness and anger. Yet sadness and anger are the easy ones. Those are the ones we can so readily talk about and act upon and the world understands. What the world doesn't want to hear and what I hate to admit is that
Death makes me feel vulnerable and scared.
It makes me ask, " What is the point?"
It makes me fearful of my children's every movement.
It makes this whole impermanence in life scare the bejeesus out of me.
I didn't want to post today's lesson in The Course with fright hanging out in my heart.
So I went back and opened the book randomly.
I do not believe in coincidence.
I DO believe in Miracles.
Here are the words I was gifted with:
I Rest in God....this thought will carry you through storms and strife, past misery and pain, past loss and death and onward to the certainty of God. ACIM
With my vulnerability, my fear, my anger and my sorrow I can rest in God. HE is permanent.
Ann Murray Paige's message of love, hope,joy,and F you cancer is permanent too. Love never dies.
Blessings
A word for 2014
As I was setting my intentions for 2014, I decided to look back to my intentions for 2013. It struck me that they were quite similar and I imagine they were quite similar in 2012 and 2011.
I know it doesn't take a genius to realize that most New Year's resolutions rarely come into fruition yet I wanted a guiding light entering into 2014. I wanted something to lean into for all of 2014.
Then I found this http://thedailylove.com/love-2014/ by Robert Holden, one of my favorite authors. I didn't need an entire laundry list of things I wanted to accomplish in 2014. I only needed a word.
I looked at my intentions from years gone by that kept repeating and my word for 2014 became crystal clear. 2014 is about me being BRAVE.
In the words of Brene Brown, "Courage starts when we show up and let ourselves be seen."
Hello 2014
Hello BRAVE
I know it doesn't take a genius to realize that most New Year's resolutions rarely come into fruition yet I wanted a guiding light entering into 2014. I wanted something to lean into for all of 2014.
Then I found this http://thedailylove.com/love-2014/ by Robert Holden, one of my favorite authors. I didn't need an entire laundry list of things I wanted to accomplish in 2014. I only needed a word.
I looked at my intentions from years gone by that kept repeating and my word for 2014 became crystal clear. 2014 is about me being BRAVE.
In the words of Brene Brown, "Courage starts when we show up and let ourselves be seen."
Hello 2014
Hello BRAVE
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