Mondays Course in Miracles

Some of my daily habits have taken a back seat these past months due to watching a whole lot of:

Some of  my daily habits have taken a back seat while feeling proud and shedding a tear or two at:

                                                         NEXT STEP: COLLEGE

And:

                                                          NEXT STEP: HIGH SCHOOL
Some of my daily habits have taken a back seat these past months creating this:

While it has been quite a busy, fun filled, emotional few months, the one habit that hasn't changed is my daily spiritual practice. Those 20 or so minutes each morning keep me centered and grounded in love.

Today's lesson:

Today Belongs to Love. Let me not fear. ACIM

Choose Life

In her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, Bonnie Ware lists not choosing happiness as one of the top five regrets.

I do believe happiness is a choice but is so much more than that. Our lives aren't meant to be all sunshine and roses. We all travel through dark times.  How does one choose happy in those moments?

We can fully appreciate the joy when we honor the uncomfortable feelings that ebb and flow. We can't run from grief or anxiety or anger  and expect to just be happy. Oh sure we can paste a smile on our face and start reciting affirmations in our head all day, but that doesn't bring joy. That just makes the feeling creep up in other ways, sometimes even as an illness.

Some of the most joyful moments in my life came after I met  pain head on.

I was the first person to enter the funeral home at my mothers wake. When I saw her in the coffin something primal jolted me and I ran out the door and down the street sobbing. My sister was waiting for me as I turned back. We comforted eachother and then had one of the most memorable belly laughs of my life.

The day my father died I remember riding a wave at the beach and feeling so free and joyful even though my heart was heavy and my eyes were puffed and red from all of the crying.

Perhaps the biggest regret isn't not choosing happiness but in not choosing life. When we choose life we open ourselves to it all and then the joy bursts open.

Monday's Course In Miracles

My daily spiritual practice includes reading A Course In Miracles, writing and meditating. Each Monday I share the lesson from ACIM.


God goes with me wherever I go. ACIM


This is one of my favorite lines. As a single mother of three teenagers, I can often get caught up in the story of being all alone. This line reminds me that I am never alone and that the feelings of being all alone are simply a call to pray.

Here's us during the early years of singlemommyhood:

Spring Colored Glasses

When I look outside at the melting snow, the mud, the brownish green grass, and the many things I never picked up before the snow fell, my heart skips in joy. The knowing that spring is arriving makes my soul sing, and my step lighter.

As I was admiring the many sprigs of green in my garden and noticing just how much snow had melted since yesterday, I had an AH HA moment.

                 To the naked eye, all of this dirty snow, murky grass and mud is actually quite ugly.

                         It is beautiful because I know that soon it will burst into gorgeous colors.

If I can have that much trust in my landscape and my perennials why can't I have that much trust in my own life?  What if  my inner landscape of  muddy, dull, 'forgot to take care of '  were signs of spring too?  What if I didn't put those things on any kind of a timetable but simply helped the process with the absolute knowing that something beautiful would follow?

                     Even better what if we all saw ourselves through the lens of 'spring is coming' ?

Blessings,
Virginia

Kahill Gibran's Words On Children

I have been thinking of and praying for each of my children more often than normal. Nothing is wrong. They are all healthy. Yet, they are teenagers and each one is in a space of tremendous growth. My role as parent feels vague. I listen. I love. I pray. I try my best not to worry. I get frustrated and snarky. I try to keep my sense of humor and I love more.

This morning I pulled out The Prophet, by Kahill Gibran and reread for the millionth time his words on children. The last four stanzas spoke deeply to me:

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent fourth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Monday's Course in Miracles

My daily spiritual practice includes reading The Course in Miracles, writing, meditating and praying. Each Monday I share the day's lesson from The Course.

Today I seek and find all that I want.. ACIM.

I kept that thought in mind as I headed out to walk my puppy.  Yes it was sleeting.  Yes I had to wear my winter walking gear. Yes winter in spring is getting tiring.

Yet I found all that I wanted:

     

SPRING IS COMING!

Monday's Course In Miracles

 My daily spiritual practice consists of reading from the Course in Miracles, writing and meditating. Each Monday I share the daily lesson from the Course.

 After my mornings meditation I received some sad news. An amazing, inspiring, full of life woman that I had the honor to know passed away yesterday. She was such an inspiration to the world with an ' F you cancer, I am still alive' attitude. News of her death derailed me.

My default button kicked in. That button signals: "Do anything but feel the real feeling."

So I moved into frantic picking up, putting away, walking the dog, and sloppy exercise. Attempt number one to begin writing failed.  So I organized files, made a few phone calls and tried writing again. I failed again.

Learning that this amazing woman has left this world is extremely sad. I can do sad.  The fact that cancer even exists is maddening. I can do angry.

 Many people I have loved, up close and from afar,  have left this world. I have felt crippling sadness and anger. Yet sadness and anger are the easy ones. Those are the ones we can so readily talk about and act upon and the world understands. What the world doesn't want to hear and what I hate to admit is that

Death makes me feel vulnerable and scared.

It makes me ask, " What is the point?"

It makes me fearful of my children's every movement.

It makes this whole impermanence in life scare the bejeesus out of me.

 I didn't want to post today's lesson in The Course with  fright hanging out in my heart.

So I went back and opened the book randomly.

I do not believe in coincidence.

I DO believe in Miracles.

Here are the words I was gifted with:

I Rest in God....this thought will carry you through storms and strife, past misery and pain, past loss and death and onward to the certainty of God.  ACIM

With my vulnerability, my fear, my anger and my sorrow I can rest in God. HE is permanent.

Ann Murray Paige's message of love, hope,joy,and  F you cancer is permanent too. Love never dies.

Blessings

To Dos Day

I went to bed Sunday night with a long list of things I HAD to do for Monday. Sometimes writing it all down the night before deters the occasional 3 a.m visitor that startles me awake for no apparent reason with a running list of everything I need to get done that day. It is not a welcome visitor as it rarely allows me to go back to sleep.

For whatever reason (the moon, the planets, the dog snoring), writing that list didn't keep the 3a.m. jolt awake visitor at bay. So I embraced it,  made tea and did some writing then dozed off on the couch until my children's alarms went off.

 I was dragging through the day with a running mind script like,"You should be getting more done. You shouldn't feel so tired. So what if your head hurts. You need to get this stuff done."

Jackson came into my office and plopped a tennis ball  at my feet. Happy for the distraction, we played some fetch and then we laid on the couch.  In the peacefulness of rubbing his belly, I got to thinking about my to do list and how I allowed that silly pile of words to enslave me rather than serve me.

I ended up taking a nap with my beloved pup.

To Do lists, while useful tools, can easily become another sneaky way to be mean to ourselves.

Last night when I wrote my To Do list, number one in capital letters read:

Be kind to Virginia

Mondays Course in Miracles

My daily spiritual practice includes reading A Course in Miracles and meditating on the days lesson. Each Monday I share a meaningful quote from my daily reading.

Try not to shape this day as you believe would benefit you most. For you cannot conceive of all of the happiness that comes to you without your planning. ACIM

That quote has made my 'over planned' Monday so much more peaceful. I even took some quiet moments thinking of this:

Blessings,
Virginia

Being Brave

I posted this beautiful quote/picture by Maryann Radmacher on my facebook page today. I have been thinking of its significance all day. In my quest to be brave this year, I have

 overlooked the daily acts of bravery. I have succeeded in being courageously honest with my feelings. I have taken some risks but I have spent many hours berating myself for not roaring enough.

This quote reminds me as I hope it reminds you, that real courage is in the simple act of showing up for yet another day or another moment as who we are. So I will keep trying in this moment and the next. I invite you to do the same.

Blessings

Mondays Course of Miracles

My daily spiritual practice includes reading the Course of Miracles, and writing and meditating on the day's lesson. Each Monday I share the lesson of the day.

To give and to receive are one in truth. I will receive what I am giving now. ACIM

The lesson calls us to offer peace to everyone in the quiet of our minds throughout the day. As we offer that peace to others it naturally returns us.

 I offer you peace and comfort and joy.

Let It BE

I have been wrestling with a decision. I tend to look at all sides of a situation before I make an assessment. It is a wonderful trait. However like all wonderful traits, it is a double edged sword. All of my thinking, worrying and obsessing got me at the wrong edge of the sword. Suddenly this decision became the focal point of my brain. During my morning exercise I heard this song, by The Beatles:

There will be an answer Let it Be.

Let It Be means stepping away from this decision and trusting that my answer will come in the perfect time. 

Let It Be reminds me that nothing productive or wise EVER comes from a place of worry.

"Mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom" sounds like advice from my mom.

So for now, I am leaving this decision on the shelf and when my monkey mind brings it up, I'm going to sing LOUD with The Beatles.

Let it be. Let it be.

In times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me singing words of wisdom

Let it Be.

There will be an answer let it be.

Amen.

Monday's Course of Miracles

My daily spiritual practice includes reading The Course of Miracles, meditating and writing in my journal. Each Monday I share the day's lesson from The Course of Miracles.


          I will step back and let Him lead the way. ACIM


I truly needed to read and reflect on these words today. In my often chaotic 'single mom with three teenagers and a puppy' life I forget that I am never running the show alone. I have a story  in my monkey mind  telling me I am in this journey solo, but when I get quiet and breathe, I remember.  God is guiding me along. I just have to step back and let Him.

Loving What Is

I am hanging out with a virus. Fever, chills, aches, congestion and a cough have visited. At the first sign I gave a great big F you and carried on with my activities. At the second sign, I took a couple of advil, upped my vitamin C and carried on.  Finally there was no more denying it but I still cursed, worried about my to do list, and fought.

As Katie Byron says, " You can argue with what is. You will be wrong 100% of the time but you can still argue."

Somewhere in the midst of a feverish night, I just stopped fighting it. I relaxed in the pain of it all.

I remembered being a little girl with horrible headaches. I used to look at my headaches  from afar, and I would color those headaches in my favorite colors of pinks and yellows. Sleep always came.

I brought that smart little girl back into this fifty year old woman's mind and  colored my aches, my congestion and my cough. Sleep came.

Today I made all of the phone calls necessary to relieve me of anything other than rest for a (gulp) COUPLE of days.

The world didn't end.

I am feeling a tad better.

I am going to go back to bed.

Guessing tomorrow will look a bit like this:

I won't fight that either.

My kids can shovel the driveway.

Loving what is.

Blessings,
Virginia

Time

When I was a mom with little ones I was always taken aback with comments like,"These are the best years of your life,"  "Enjoy them while they are little," or the all too famous, "Ha! Just wait until they become teenagers."

I vowed to never be like that when my children grew up, which at the time, seemed like an eternity away. I vowed to enjoy my children forever, even as teenagers and to never wish for days gone by.  For the most part I have.

But lately as I round the corner into the kitchen, I sometimes stop in my tracks and stare in awe.

I simply cannot wrap my head around the passing of time. I sometimes close my eyes and recall memories of the 18 years between those two pictures. I have even shed a tear or two.

                                                                         Time

Monday's Course of Miracles

My daily spiritual practice includes reading from the Course of Miracles, meditating on the day's lesson and writing in my journal. Every Monday I share the day's lesson.


               Let me NOT see myself as limited. ACIM


It is so easy to get caught up in scarcity thinking without even knowing it. After I read today's lesson, I realized my day began with scarcity thinking.

My first thought of the day," I didn't get enough sleep."

We are constantly bombarded with messages of not 'enoughness'.

Not enough money. Not enough time. Not enough weight loss or weight gain. Not enough toys.

Today's lesson erases the not enoughness. The scarcity thoughts are simply the basic fear of not being enough. But you are enough and I am enough wherever we are in this very moment.

                                                  Let me NOT see myself as limited

Fridays Feng Shui

Since the start of the year, I have been clearing out stuff. I can already really feel a shift in my energy and the excitement of something new coming in. When I get like this I want to go on a rampage through the house. I have tried that before and it NEVER works. I end up making more of a mess than I started with and I get bored with the project. So I am giving myself fifteen minutes a day. I even set the timer.

As I sort through the stuff I ask myself these questions:

1. Do I love it?

2. Do I absolutely need it?

3. How does it make me feel?

4. Do I have another one?

5. If it is broken, when will I  to fix it?

6. Is there someone in my life who would treasure it?

The process goes fairly quickly and when the buzzer goes off, I take my no longer loved things to the garage for next week's dump run.

             It feels so wonderful to only have my most treasured possessions on display  and to have space to display new treasures like this picture I took the other day.

.

Friday's Feng Shui

I utilize many aspects of Feng Shui in my coaching practice as I know from experience that our surroundings have a direct correlation with what is happening in our lives. The most important principle of Feng Shui is clearing out clutter. However, clutter never really goes away, especially when you are raising children. I am okay with a creative mess due to projects and homework and busy teenage life but when it gets out of control I feel like a mess.

To keep my sanity in the midst of the chaos, everyday I do these three things. First, I keep the kitchen counters clean.  I am actually embarrassed to admit to how much happiness a clean kitchen brings me. Secondly,  I make my bed every single day and I  keep my bedroom pristinely clean. I am a single mom of three teenagers, my bedroom is my haven. Thirdly I really try hard to make my children responsible for picking up their own stuff.

Okay number three is a work in process.  However, I am much kinder about their messes when the counters are clear and I can escape to a beautifully clean bedroom.

Mondays Course of Miracles

Let me recognize my problems have been solved. ACIM

I love todays lesson. It reminds me of the countless times a solution to my perceived problems arrived once I stopped fretting over them. It is a lesson I seem to have to learn and relearn time and again. Nothing useful ever comes from a place of worry and angst. Creative solutions and ideas are born from a place of peace and joy.


Blessings,
Virginia

A word for 2014

As I was setting my intentions for 2014, I decided to look back to my intentions for 2013. It struck me that they were quite similar and I imagine they were quite similar in 2012 and 2011.

I know it doesn't take a genius to realize that most New Year's resolutions rarely come into fruition yet I wanted a guiding light entering into 2014. I wanted something to lean into for all of 2014.

Then I found this http://thedailylove.com/love-2014/ by Robert Holden, one of my favorite authors. I didn't need an entire laundry list of things I wanted to accomplish in 2014. I only needed a word.

I looked at my intentions from years gone by that kept repeating and my word for 2014 became crystal clear. 2014 is about me being BRAVE.

In the words of Brene Brown, "Courage starts when we show up and let ourselves be seen."

Hello 2014

Hello BRAVE

Mondays Course Of Miracles

The Christ in you is very still. He knows where you are going and He leads you there in gentleness and blessing all the way. ACIM

The kids are back at school. It is a new year. Life is resuming a new normal and there is so much to be done. This line from A Course of Miracles soothed me. We are never alone.

Blessings,

Monday's Course in Miracles

My favorite part of Christmas is the lights. As the days get shorter and darkness creeps in mid afternoon plugging in the Christmas tree and the outside decorations brings light to me. Those twinkles are nothing short of magic as they lighten my soul and bring me closer to my own light within.


Turn towards the light, for the little spark in you is part of a light so great that it can sweep you out of all darkness forever.  ACIM

Thanksgiving at Home

One  of the many blessings of divorce is that my children know the 'day' of any given holiday is insignificant.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Birthdays or a holiday 'just because' can be celebrated any time of the year. 

Today was Thanksgiving at the McCormack household.  The day couldn't have been more perfect. We were all together. My children willingly cancelled a few of their teen commitments for 'our' Thanksgiving. We worked together to create a most delicious meal. We played football in the rain. We ate a ton. We played a slew of board games. We laughed. We talked. We were together.

The fact that today is not Thanksgiving or the fact that their dad 'has them' this year for Thanksgiving never entered our minds.

As they were about to leave with their dad one child said, "Thanks Mom for making sure we had Thanksgiving at home."

Thanksgiving at home.

I am so thankful!

Monday's Course of Miracles

This instant is the only time there is. ACIM


Today I said, "Thank you." and "I love you."

If we only have an instant, those are the words to speak.

Mondays Course in Miracles

    


Today I added an extra meditation, prayer and journal time because it was ONE of those days.

I have a broken dishwasher, washing machine, and dryer. I had figured it all out and was feeling good about my plan. Then I couldn't find the check that was going to help with that plan. I freaked. I got angry at myself. I scoured every corner of the house. I cried.

Then I found this: 

I am not a victim of the world I see..ACIM

The check has yet to be found but I have a plan.

I had a blast taking senior pictures of my Alex. I have no idea how the years passed so quickly yet I know they have been the best. Life is good.

.

 

I Should NOT Be Feeling Like This

" I should NOT be feeling like this."

That statement is one of the worst things we could ever tell ourselves.

I know that.

I teach that.

Yet today I told myself  I should NOT feel like this numerous times.

  Here are a few:

"It has been over a decade. Get over it Gin." I did not feel better.

"I cannot believe I am such a crybaby."  I felt worse.

"I should not be feeling this. I should be used to it. I should be happy. I should be better." I felt absolutely horrible.

Two of my three most beloveds took off today for a trip to Florida with their dad and their grandparents. Their grandparents wanted a trip with all three kiddos and it was a splendid idea. .
Until I realized one child would be home.

I got over that beautifully or so I thought.

As they pulled out of my driveway this morning,  I felt the  familiar nausea, heart cracking in half, and tears welling, yet I smiled, waved and blew kisses. All while the self talk pounded in my head:
"I should NOT be feeling this. It has been over a decade. Get over it Gin." 

They left and I continued my pre work morning routine of laundry, dishes, pick up, and dog walk  with tears rolling down my face. The monkey mind continued, "I cannot believe I am such a crybaby."

I got on my computer and made an attempt at working and resentment crept  in. I was supposed to be on vacation right now. I was supposed to be on the Great Single Momma Escape. Yet here I was doing the five kajillion things that make this family run. "I should not be feeling like this. I should be used to it. I should be happy I should be better."

Then a friend called. Her words, "He gets to take them on a fun vacation while you are still doing yesterdays laundry and dishes. I think I'd be resentful. You CAN feel that and still be a great mom. You know that right?"

It is okay to feel whatever feeling comes up.

Insanity happens when we judge feelings as bad.

It took me less than 30 minutes to allow the feelings without judgment and to come back to love. Love for me. Love for my kids. Love for what is.

 A picture of such love from a few years back:

Monday's Course of Miracles

  And God Himself shall wipe away all tears.ACIM

 
There have been tears shed this football season. This morning's meditation reminded me of the smiles and the enormous love I have for each of my boys.

Golden Nugget From My Sixth Grade Teacher

My K-8 years happened in five different schools. My happiest year was sixth grade.

I went to public school kindergarten, Catholic school first, second and some of third, public school remainder of third, fourth and fifth and back to Catholic school in sixth.

Sixth grade at St. Mary's meant I could travel public transit to and from school with my older sisters who went to the neighboring St, Mary's High School. I felt like I belonged. I was no longer bullied. I felt loved. I had the most loving teacher ever, Mrs. Allen. Her daughter, a nun. was the principal.

Today I remembered  a golden nugget she taught me.

Mrs. Allen gave each of us a circular card with 'tu it'  written in the middle.

She then told us that we may never ever in our lives tell anyone, "When I get around to it." for she had given us a round tu it.

Geesh. I remembered that today right after overwhelm. 

The memory made me happy and I got the basement cleaned in between pick ups.

Loving thoughts to you Mrs. Allen on earth or in heaven.

OVERWHELM

"Oh Dear God I am so overwhelmed." On my one day off, I have said that in my head many times.

I said it:

When I looked at the paper pile I needed to sort through.

When an email made me feel like I wasn't doing enough.

When my puppy chewed my wallet to bits.

When I was figuring out kids' schedules.

When I looked at the house projects that have yet to be done that REALLY need to be done.

When a teen of mine got snarly and I got snarlier back.

 "Dear God I am so overwhelmed."

While doing the dishes after my snarly 'not so loving mommy moment" , I prayed again. This time was different. This time I asked, "Show me where I am messing up God. Overwhelm is not yours or my plan."

I played with it a bit.

OVERWHELM:
Overloaded
Virginia
Exited the
Real
World where
Help is
Everywhere when you
Lovingly embrace
Miracles

I am heading back into the real world where help is everywhere and I lovingly embrace miracles.

Snarly and snarlier  shared a laugh.

It just happened.

I don't remember the last time I breastfed each of my children.
Yet I remember each of them at my breast, their schedules and quirks. Each child has a beautiful story.

I don't remember the last time I changed a diaper.
Yet I remember the squirts, the wiggles, and the songs I sang.

 I don't remember the last time I wiped a butt leaning forward on the toilet.
Yet I remember the thought, "Will I be doing this forever?"

I don't remember that last time I read a story to my children.
Yet I remember the absolute joy of being together in  a book in my bed.

I don't remember the last time I had to be outside when my kids waited for the bus.
Yet I remember the fun games, fighting over who gets to  hold  my coffee cup to keep their hands warm and our neighbors who waited with us.

I don't remember the last time I had to drive my eldest anywhere. Yet I remember having to lug two sleepy kids to pick him up.

It just happened.

Senior year seems to be all about celebrating endings. My first senior night is coming up. My son and I will be honored for his last football game in high school.

It is a beautiful ceremony.

Yet I somehow wish this was another 'just happened' .

"Just happened"  feels more natural.

Monday's Course of Miracles

Forgiveness is the only gift I give, because it is the only gift I want. And everything I give I give myself. ACIM

Forgive yourself for everything you perceived as wrong, bad or not enough.  It is all perfect. Let it go just like the trees are letting go of their leaves. Letting go in forgiveness equals beauty.

Daddy

Today marks his 88th. His numbers added up equal my daughter's age. They share the same birthday. I remember when Elise turned 8 and He turned 80. Naturally she did the math from that day forward, until he died.

Today I pulled Elise out of school to have a take out Chinese food  picnic at the beach to celebrate her Sweet 16. We had so much fun. I was joyous and enjoying my amazing daughter , the yummy food and the  breathtaking view. My heart was so full there was no room for anything else but Her.

Then while sinking her teeth into orange chicken, she said, "Today is  Pa's 88th birthday."

I paused, glanced at the sea, looked at the amazing young woman (my daughter) beside me  and said, " It sure is and he loved Chinese food too."

Happy Birthday Daddy! I Love You!

Sixteen years ago.

Sixteen years ago today, after a two week stay in the hospital 'they' weren't sure if I would deliver a healthy, alive baby. They prepared us for the worst.

 

 

How blessed am I?

On October 16th, 1997, against all odds, Elise arrived. I am so lucky. This gal rocks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Monday's A Course In Miracles

The Holy Spirit Speaks Through Me Today.

The Holy Spirit needs my voice today, that all the world may listen to Your Voice, and hear Your Voice through me, for I would use no words but Yours, and have no thoughts which are apart from Yours, for Yours are true. ACIM.

What a day.

Blessings,

Virginia

 

 

The Guest House by Rumi. My favorite

The Guest House

This being human is a guesthouse
Everyday a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness
some momentary awareness comes
from an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
of all of it's furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes
Because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

The love of a puppy

Jackson came to us as a surprise as  and the best gift ever.  He has changed our lives and has added so much love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks Jackson.

We love you!

 

 

 

 

One Breath

I just finished Pema Chodorn's book Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change.  It was great and her message was both profound and simple, just like life.

She challenges her readers to make three commitments:
         1. Do no harm.
          2. Help others
          3. Accept life exactly as it is at this very moment.

WOW!

What resonated most with me as I read her words was the gentleness. She calls us to be gentle with ourselves when we mess up. I am notoriously hard on myself. Being kind and loving to myself in my thoughts has always been a struggle. If I commit to something or someone and fall short, I spend way too much of my precious time beating myself up. Pema's words encouraged me to simply recognize the shortcoming, breathe and leap again in commitment. In that breath there is no room for guilt or shame or self incrimination. AMEN!

Recognize. Breathe in. Breathe out. Commit again. Don't get into the story.

I can do that.

Mom said there would be days like this.

Mom said there would be days like this.

Water poured onto the floor from the dishwasher.

Water leaked in dribbles from the washing machine.

My puppy nipped and went backwards from our training.

My home was at 58 degrees so I turned on the heat. It didn't kick in.

I hit the reset button and only two rooms got warm.

Mom said there would be days like this.

So glad there is God.

Judgement vs. Loving

The other night I overheard another parent talking about me. It was a negative rant. It was dark.Nobody knew I was sitting in a nearby car waiting to pick up my child. Nobody saw the tears rolling down my face.

After the tears came the' back at ya' thoughts.

Then came the praying and the journaling and the knowing.

I am just as guilty. OUCH!

I have made judgments about other parents. I have voiced these judgments to others. What if they heard me?  What if I made some hard working uber loving  mother cry?

That was a hard pill to swallow.

Since that night I have been paying close attention to how I judge myself and others. Interestingly enough I have caught myself saying to myself exactly what that parent said about me! I have also caught myself judging moms, dads and everyone.

Now when I hear the words that the mom in the parking lot spoke about me run through my head, I take a deep breath and say to myself, "You are an awesome mom Virginia."

Now when I catch myself judging anyone in my head, I don't say it out loud. I do what my mom taught me, I send a prayer of love.

Thank you lovely woman who made me cry. You taught me a great lesson.

Don't judge. Love instead.

Where Did the Time Go?

In the wee hours of the night I hear this, "Mom I think I am going to throw up."

I leap out of bed and head into the bathroom knowing exactly which child is in distress. His throw up voice is distinct and full of fear. He has always hated the throw up bug. Nobody likes it, but this child of mine has a deep aversion to vomit.

In my semi sleep state I enter the bathroom and all I feel is shock. My distressed child is six feet tall and 180 pounds. I know this. I see him everyday. Yet, shock waves run through me.

I comfort and do what I know this child needs when the throw up bug visits. Yet he is so big and I am so small in comparison.

It all works and I send him into bed with a bucket by his side and do all of the mommy love things.

I go back to bed and think, remember and never go back to sleep.

Where did the time go?

I remember Barney, the dinosaurs, the trucks, and Star Wars.

I think of the hard work he took on to be a better athlete all on his own.

I wonder if I did enough.

I try to imagine a day without hugging him. And I cry a bit.

I vow to hug him even more.

Next  year he will be in college.

Where did the time go?

A Course of Miracles

As I have mentioned before, each morning I read, meditate and write using the Course of Miracles as my guide.

Today's lesson:

A happy outcome to all things is sure. ACIM

What a comforting truth.

A promise is a promise

A  promise is a promise.

I promised myself I would write a blog everyday in October.  As a single mom of three very busy kids, the promises I make to myself often get put on the back burner.

I make excuses.

I am done with the excuses.

Is this the best piece of writing I have ever created? Absolutely NOT.  It just may be the WORST

Yet I made a promise to ME.

I am in the half century mark. Promises to me finally feel significant.

Make a promise to yourself. Laugh at the excuses. Notice the perceived barriers. Be kind to yourself

 Do it anyways.

Love

The paradox of cleaning

I got hit with the cleaning bug. Not your run of the mill, 'clean because company is coming over' or  'clean counters make me feel in control' type of cleaning bug. I got hit with the 'I want my home to look different and feel different' cleaning bug.

I moved furniture. The living room is now the dining room and vice versa. I wiped down and vacuumed up some pretty scary dirt and found some interesting objects behind and underneath said furniture. I didn't give myself enough time and the new arrangement is yet to be finished.

Thus three plus hours of cleaning and rearranging has made my house a total wreck. Add three teenagers and a puppy to said wreck and the paradox of cleaning makes me chuckle.

Cleaning is no different than life. Taking care of the unseen places of my home is synonymous to taking care of the  corners of my soul. They both require work. The beginnings of such an undertaking appear to be a backwards step. Three hours of cleaning 'should' not equal utter chaos. Yet it does and thus it 'should'. It will never be totally done. Even in the chaos, I feel lighter.

Start

  Every week my daughter and I hit the library. We are both voracious  readers and between what we have ordered and what we find, our bag is loaded. We love books.

Here is where we differ. She delves into her favorite book and is off to the land of reading. I, on the other hand, examine my goodies, peruse a few pages of each and decide which world of words to delve into first.

Tonight she dove in and I perused as we waited for Sean's practice to end.

I came across a great quote in the first pages of one of my books and thus  chose this one to delve into first.

The book, Mirror Mirror Off the Wall, How I learned to love my body by not looking at it for a year, by Kjerstein Gruys  starts with this quote:

A year from now you will wish you started today. Karen Lamb.

Imagine a year of not looking in the mirror?

I'll tell you more after I read it.

Until then, whatever you want to do or be START TODAY!

Amen.

Moving From Disappointment to Gratitude

There seems to be a false notion that a spiritual person rarely suffers from disappointment or anger or sadness. The problem with such a belief is that when you do strive for a more spiritual existence negative feelings that show up are viewed as bad and thus stuffed down.

I am a perfect example of such wacky thinking. Recently I suffered from what I perceived as an enormous let down. My children's father and his family were planning a vacation. I saw it as my first opportunity in years to take a mini vacation for myself.  I started saving whatever I could and began plotting and planning the 'Great Single Momma Escape". My escape crashed into pieces when I realized one of my children would be staying behind because of a play off game.

I cried.
I yelled.
I cried some more.
I complained.
I felt sorry for myself.
I complained some more.
I got mad at myself for feeling so angry and hurt and disappointed.
I got mad at myself some more.
I put on the martyr jacket and became grouchy and short tempered.

It was quite the few weeks and I grew tired of my self inflicted drama. So I stopped, put my butt down and prayed. Then I wrote it all out in brutal honesty and gave myself permission to feel those not so pretty feelings. I carefully chose one person to share my hurt. I chose the person who would empathize but not pity. It felt so great to allow myself to feel without the self- judgment and blame.

I was disappointed. Period. My trip was not going to happen. Period. Instead of  staying disappointed I tried to capture what I wanted from this trip. I wanted an escape from the 24/7 parenting. I wanted to feel carefree. I wanted time where all that mattered was me.

My next question was how could I feel that without the great single momma escape?  I tried to remember times I felt carefree, far away from the 24/7 parenting where all that mattered was me. That was the feeling I was trying to capture. I didn't need five days sans kiddos to get that. I could do it now. I could do a little bit of it every week even everyday.

So  I started running different beaches in Southern Maine. I am giving myself a few hours to hike different trails with my puppy. I am going to start biking again. The money I saved is now marked as 'Mini Single Momma Escapes'.

The disappointment has vanished. I am having a blast planning my mini  escapes.

I am now so excited to have this one child home alone with me for a few days. Next year he will be in college. What a gift it will be to have this time with just him.

                                           The view from my latest Single Momma Escape

                                                                I am so blessed

Fifty vs Thirteen.

Turning fifty years old is loaded with expectations. It hit me about three years ago when birthday cards were signed, ' Soon you'll be fifty." The comments baffled me.  I became even more perplexed when people would realize my age and  respond, "I can't believe you're almost fifty."

Hmmm..

The real kicker came  practically as soon as I blew out my candles on my 49th birthday cake.  " What are you going to do for your fiftieth?" When I shrugged, the response was always, "You have to do SOMETHING."

So I guess in some way I became conditioned in believing something would shift once I turned fifty. I am now on my fourth day of being fifty years old and guess what? I look the same, feel the same and act the same as I did five days ago.

The only thing that has changed is that people are no longer commenting on 'almost' being fifty or telling me that I have to do SOMETHING for my fiftieth. Phew!

I am however having a hard time wrapping my head around my baby being a teenager. Yes my best birthday present ever is now thirteen years old. That I wasn't ready for.

                                  

Discomfort

                                                I have been feeling a lot like this lately:

                                                     A dear friend offered me these wise words:


Take solace in your discomfort. It is telling you something. Have the courage to act on it.

A Thought

            My daily spiritual practice includes reading a lesson from The Course of Miracles, meditating and writing in my journal.

This morning's lesson was a doozy:
                                  
               " I can be hurt by nothing but my thoughts" ACIM

This is such a true and simple statement yet so profound and difficult to live by. It really isn't about what is going on around us. It is about how we choose to think about what is going on around us. It was such a great reminder for me to quiet my monkey mind, pay attention and most importantly let things be exactly as they are.

                These breathtaking hibiscus blooms from my garden reminded me as well.

I thought the plant was grossly diseased and needed to be yanked (note the leaves).  I would have missed so much beauty.

Blessings,
Virginia

I just want them to be happy

                                                " I just want them to be happy."

Every parent's ultimate dream is for their children to be happy. The problem is we can't. We can love them to the moon and back. We can provide a loving and nurturing home. We can cart them to every activity their heart desires. We can feed them the most nutritious meals and talk and laugh with them. But make them happy? That we cannot do.

Happiness is an inside job. The only person's happiness we have any control over is our own.

In my 18 years of parenting, this fact has always stumped me. Yet it has helped me to pay closer attention to my own sense of joy. The irony of it all is when I am happy from the inside out and when I am paying close attention to my joy meter my children seem to sense it and are thus more joyful themselves.

So any time I notice one of my children is in a slump, before I jump into the worry, I stop and pay attention to my own inner landscape. It is my joy that ultimately keeps my family on track.

Blessings,
Virginia

Looking to find more joy in yourself and with your children, I would be honored to help. virginiamccormack05@gmail.com.

A Bittersweet Ache

It happens every year and every year it catches me off guard.  The feeling of excitement touched with grief grabs hold of my heart each and every year on the first day of school. On the first day of school my children age. Today is the day that I see them at the ages they are, not ever on their birthdays. Today I see an 18 year old senior in high school , an almost 16 year old sophomore and an almost 13 year old 8th grader. My heart cracks a little as I see their wings getting stronger and stronger. I pray I have given them enough love to sustain them and keep them strong when the winds of life blow fierce. I want to both set them off and bring them back in.

                   It is the same as I felt on this day. The very first time they all went to school:

                                                             Love doesn't ever age

Farewell Dear Summer

One child started school today and the other two will begin tomorrow. Par usual I am wondering where did the summer go? What did we do all of those days? I can't come up with anything mind blowing. Yet I remember some very special moments.

A sunrise shared with my youngest:

 

 

Amusement Rides

                                      

 

 

The Tallest Sunflower EVER

 

 

Dinner and playing on the Beach with my Daughter

 

Finding the most perfect heart rocks to add to my collection

 

 

Yes dear summer you have been wonderful to me and given me moments and gifts to treasure a life time.

 

Farewell