Turn towards the light, for the little spark in you is part of a light so great that it can sweep you out of all darkness forever. ACIM
Monday's Course in Miracles
My favorite part of Christmas is the lights. As the days get shorter and darkness creeps in mid afternoon plugging in the Christmas tree and the outside decorations brings light to me. Those twinkles are nothing short of magic as they lighten my soul and bring me closer to my own light within.
Turn towards the light, for the little spark in you is part of a light so great that it can sweep you out of all darkness forever. ACIM
Turn towards the light, for the little spark in you is part of a light so great that it can sweep you out of all darkness forever. ACIM
Thanksgiving at Home
One of the many blessings of divorce is that my children know the 'day' of any given holiday is insignificant. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, Birthdays or a holiday 'just because' can be celebrated any time of the year.
Today was Thanksgiving at the McCormack household. The day couldn't have been more perfect. We were all together. My children willingly cancelled a few of their teen commitments for 'our' Thanksgiving. We worked together to create a most delicious meal. We played football in the rain. We ate a ton. We played a slew of board games. We laughed. We talked. We were together.
The fact that today is not Thanksgiving or the fact that their dad 'has them' this year for Thanksgiving never entered our minds.
As they were about to leave with their dad one child said, "Thanks Mom for making sure we had Thanksgiving at home."
Thanksgiving at home.
I am so thankful!
Today was Thanksgiving at the McCormack household. The day couldn't have been more perfect. We were all together. My children willingly cancelled a few of their teen commitments for 'our' Thanksgiving. We worked together to create a most delicious meal. We played football in the rain. We ate a ton. We played a slew of board games. We laughed. We talked. We were together.
The fact that today is not Thanksgiving or the fact that their dad 'has them' this year for Thanksgiving never entered our minds.
As they were about to leave with their dad one child said, "Thanks Mom for making sure we had Thanksgiving at home."
Thanksgiving at home.
I am so thankful!
Monday's Course of Miracles
This instant is the only time there is. ACIM
Today I said, "Thank you." and "I love you."
If we only have an instant, those are the words to speak.
Today I said, "Thank you." and "I love you."
If we only have an instant, those are the words to speak.
Mondays Course in Miracles
Today I added an extra meditation, prayer and journal time because it was ONE of those days.
I have a broken dishwasher, washing machine, and dryer. I had figured it all out and was feeling good about my plan. Then I couldn't find the check that was going to help with that plan. I freaked. I got angry at myself. I scoured every corner of the house. I cried.
Then I found this:
I am not a victim of the world I see..ACIM
The check has yet to be found but I have a plan.
I had a blast taking senior pictures of my Alex. I have no idea how the years passed so quickly yet I know they have been the best. Life is good.
I Should NOT Be Feeling Like This
" I should NOT be feeling like this."
That statement is one of the worst things we could ever tell ourselves.
I know that.
I teach that.
Yet today I told myself I should NOT feel like this numerous times.
Here are a few:
"It has been over a decade. Get over it Gin." I did not feel better.
"I cannot believe I am such a crybaby." I felt worse.
"I should not be feeling this. I should be used to it. I should be happy. I should be better." I felt absolutely horrible.
Two of my three most beloveds took off today for a trip to Florida with their dad and their grandparents. Their grandparents wanted a trip with all three kiddos and it was a splendid idea. .
Until I realized one child would be home.
I got over that beautifully or so I thought.
As they pulled out of my driveway this morning, I felt the familiar nausea, heart cracking in half, and tears welling, yet I smiled, waved and blew kisses. All while the self talk pounded in my head:
"I should NOT be feeling this. It has been over a decade. Get over it Gin."
They left and I continued my pre work morning routine of laundry, dishes, pick up, and dog walk with tears rolling down my face. The monkey mind continued, "I cannot believe I am such a crybaby."
I got on my computer and made an attempt at working and resentment crept in. I was supposed to be on vacation right now. I was supposed to be on the Great Single Momma Escape. Yet here I was doing the five kajillion things that make this family run. "I should not be feeling like this. I should be used to it. I should be happy I should be better."
Then a friend called. Her words, "He gets to take them on a fun vacation while you are still doing yesterdays laundry and dishes. I think I'd be resentful. You CAN feel that and still be a great mom. You know that right?"
It is okay to feel whatever feeling comes up.
Insanity happens when we judge feelings as bad.
It took me less than 30 minutes to allow the feelings without judgment and to come back to love. Love for me. Love for my kids. Love for what is.
A picture of such love from a few years back:
Monday's Course of Miracles
And God Himself shall wipe away all tears.ACIM
There have been tears shed this football season. This morning's meditation reminded me of the smiles and the enormous love I have for each of my boys.
Golden Nugget From My Sixth Grade Teacher
My K-8 years happened in five different schools. My happiest year was sixth grade.
I went to public school kindergarten, Catholic school first, second and some of third, public school remainder of third, fourth and fifth and back to Catholic school in sixth.
Sixth grade at St. Mary's meant I could travel public transit to and from school with my older sisters who went to the neighboring St, Mary's High School. I felt like I belonged. I was no longer bullied. I felt loved. I had the most loving teacher ever, Mrs. Allen. Her daughter, a nun. was the principal.
Today I remembered a golden nugget she taught me.
Mrs. Allen gave each of us a circular card with 'tu it' written in the middle.
She then told us that we may never ever in our lives tell anyone, "When I get around to it." for she had given us a round tu it.
Geesh. I remembered that today right after overwhelm.
The memory made me happy and I got the basement cleaned in between pick ups.
Loving thoughts to you Mrs. Allen on earth or in heaven.
I went to public school kindergarten, Catholic school first, second and some of third, public school remainder of third, fourth and fifth and back to Catholic school in sixth.
Sixth grade at St. Mary's meant I could travel public transit to and from school with my older sisters who went to the neighboring St, Mary's High School. I felt like I belonged. I was no longer bullied. I felt loved. I had the most loving teacher ever, Mrs. Allen. Her daughter, a nun. was the principal.
Today I remembered a golden nugget she taught me.
Mrs. Allen gave each of us a circular card with 'tu it' written in the middle.
She then told us that we may never ever in our lives tell anyone, "When I get around to it." for she had given us a round tu it.
Geesh. I remembered that today right after overwhelm.
The memory made me happy and I got the basement cleaned in between pick ups.
Loving thoughts to you Mrs. Allen on earth or in heaven.
OVERWHELM
"Oh Dear God I am so overwhelmed." On my one day off, I have said that in my head many times.
I said it:
When I looked at the paper pile I needed to sort through.
When an email made me feel like I wasn't doing enough.
When my puppy chewed my wallet to bits.
When I was figuring out kids' schedules.
When I looked at the house projects that have yet to be done that REALLY need to be done.
When a teen of mine got snarly and I got snarlier back.
"Dear God I am so overwhelmed."
While doing the dishes after my snarly 'not so loving mommy moment" , I prayed again. This time was different. This time I asked, "Show me where I am messing up God. Overwhelm is not yours or my plan."
I played with it a bit.
OVERWHELM:
Overloaded
Virginia
Exited the
Real
World where
Help is
Everywhere when you
Lovingly embrace
Miracles
I am heading back into the real world where help is everywhere and I lovingly embrace miracles.
Snarly and snarlier shared a laugh.
I said it:
When I looked at the paper pile I needed to sort through.
When an email made me feel like I wasn't doing enough.
When my puppy chewed my wallet to bits.
When I was figuring out kids' schedules.
When I looked at the house projects that have yet to be done that REALLY need to be done.
When a teen of mine got snarly and I got snarlier back.
"Dear God I am so overwhelmed."
While doing the dishes after my snarly 'not so loving mommy moment" , I prayed again. This time was different. This time I asked, "Show me where I am messing up God. Overwhelm is not yours or my plan."
I played with it a bit.
OVERWHELM:
Overloaded
Virginia
Exited the
Real
World where
Help is
Everywhere when you
Lovingly embrace
Miracles
I am heading back into the real world where help is everywhere and I lovingly embrace miracles.
Snarly and snarlier shared a laugh.
It just happened.
I don't remember the last time I breastfed each of my children.
Yet I remember each of them at my breast, their schedules and quirks. Each child has a beautiful story.
I don't remember the last time I changed a diaper.
Yet I remember the squirts, the wiggles, and the songs I sang.
I don't remember the last time I wiped a butt leaning forward on the toilet.
Yet I remember the thought, "Will I be doing this forever?"
I don't remember that last time I read a story to my children.
Yet I remember the absolute joy of being together in a book in my bed.
I don't remember the last time I had to be outside when my kids waited for the bus.
Yet I remember the fun games, fighting over who gets to hold my coffee cup to keep their hands warm and our neighbors who waited with us.
I don't remember the last time I had to drive my eldest anywhere. Yet I remember having to lug two sleepy kids to pick him up.
It just happened.
Senior year seems to be all about celebrating endings. My first senior night is coming up. My son and I will be honored for his last football game in high school.
It is a beautiful ceremony.
Yet I somehow wish this was another 'just happened' .
"Just happened" feels more natural.
Yet I remember each of them at my breast, their schedules and quirks. Each child has a beautiful story.
I don't remember the last time I changed a diaper.
Yet I remember the squirts, the wiggles, and the songs I sang.
I don't remember the last time I wiped a butt leaning forward on the toilet.
Yet I remember the thought, "Will I be doing this forever?"
I don't remember that last time I read a story to my children.
Yet I remember the absolute joy of being together in a book in my bed.
I don't remember the last time I had to be outside when my kids waited for the bus.
Yet I remember the fun games, fighting over who gets to hold my coffee cup to keep their hands warm and our neighbors who waited with us.
I don't remember the last time I had to drive my eldest anywhere. Yet I remember having to lug two sleepy kids to pick him up.
It just happened.
Senior year seems to be all about celebrating endings. My first senior night is coming up. My son and I will be honored for his last football game in high school.
It is a beautiful ceremony.
Yet I somehow wish this was another 'just happened' .
"Just happened" feels more natural.
Monday's Course of Miracles
Forgiveness is the only gift I give, because it is the only gift I want. And everything I give I give myself. ACIM
Forgive yourself for everything you perceived as wrong, bad or not enough. It is all perfect. Let it go just like the trees are letting go of their leaves. Letting go in forgiveness equals beauty.
Forgive yourself for everything you perceived as wrong, bad or not enough. It is all perfect. Let it go just like the trees are letting go of their leaves. Letting go in forgiveness equals beauty.
Daddy
Today marks his 88th. His numbers added up equal my daughter's age. They share the same birthday. I remember when Elise turned 8 and He turned 80. Naturally she did the math from that day forward, until he died.
Today I pulled Elise out of school to have a take out Chinese food picnic at the beach to celebrate her Sweet 16. We had so much fun. I was joyous and enjoying my amazing daughter , the yummy food and the breathtaking view. My heart was so full there was no room for anything else but Her.
Then while sinking her teeth into orange chicken, she said, "Today is Pa's 88th birthday."
I paused, glanced at the sea, looked at the amazing young woman (my daughter) beside me and said, " It sure is and he loved Chinese food too."
Happy Birthday Daddy! I Love You!
Today I pulled Elise out of school to have a take out Chinese food picnic at the beach to celebrate her Sweet 16. We had so much fun. I was joyous and enjoying my amazing daughter , the yummy food and the breathtaking view. My heart was so full there was no room for anything else but Her.
Then while sinking her teeth into orange chicken, she said, "Today is Pa's 88th birthday."
I paused, glanced at the sea, looked at the amazing young woman (my daughter) beside me and said, " It sure is and he loved Chinese food too."
Happy Birthday Daddy! I Love You!
Sixteen years ago.
Sixteen years ago today, after a two week stay in the hospital 'they' weren't sure if I would deliver a healthy, alive baby. They prepared us for the worst.
How blessed am I?
On October 16th, 1997, against all odds, Elise arrived. I am so lucky. This gal rocks.
The Guest House by Rumi. My favorite
The Guest House
This being human is a guesthouse
Everyday a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness
some momentary awareness comes
from an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
of all of it's furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes
Because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
This being human is a guesthouse
Everyday a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness
some momentary awareness comes
from an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
of all of it's furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes
Because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
One Breath
I just finished Pema Chodorn's book Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change. It was great and her message was both profound and simple, just like life.
She challenges her readers to make three commitments:
1. Do no harm.
2. Help others
3. Accept life exactly as it is at this very moment.
WOW!
What resonated most with me as I read her words was the gentleness. She calls us to be gentle with ourselves when we mess up. I am notoriously hard on myself. Being kind and loving to myself in my thoughts has always been a struggle. If I commit to something or someone and fall short, I spend way too much of my precious time beating myself up. Pema's words encouraged me to simply recognize the shortcoming, breathe and leap again in commitment. In that breath there is no room for guilt or shame or self incrimination. AMEN!
Recognize. Breathe in. Breathe out. Commit again. Don't get into the story.
I can do that.
She challenges her readers to make three commitments:
1. Do no harm.
2. Help others
3. Accept life exactly as it is at this very moment.
WOW!
What resonated most with me as I read her words was the gentleness. She calls us to be gentle with ourselves when we mess up. I am notoriously hard on myself. Being kind and loving to myself in my thoughts has always been a struggle. If I commit to something or someone and fall short, I spend way too much of my precious time beating myself up. Pema's words encouraged me to simply recognize the shortcoming, breathe and leap again in commitment. In that breath there is no room for guilt or shame or self incrimination. AMEN!
Recognize. Breathe in. Breathe out. Commit again. Don't get into the story.
I can do that.
Mom said there would be days like this.
Mom said there would be days like this.
Water poured onto the floor from the dishwasher.
Water leaked in dribbles from the washing machine.
My puppy nipped and went backwards from our training.
My home was at 58 degrees so I turned on the heat. It didn't kick in.
I hit the reset button and only two rooms got warm.
Mom said there would be days like this.
So glad there is God.
Water poured onto the floor from the dishwasher.
Water leaked in dribbles from the washing machine.
My puppy nipped and went backwards from our training.
My home was at 58 degrees so I turned on the heat. It didn't kick in.
I hit the reset button and only two rooms got warm.
Mom said there would be days like this.
So glad there is God.
Judgement vs. Loving
The other night I overheard another parent talking about me. It was a negative rant. It was dark.Nobody knew I was sitting in a nearby car waiting to pick up my child. Nobody saw the tears rolling down my face.
After the tears came the' back at ya' thoughts.
Then came the praying and the journaling and the knowing.
I am just as guilty. OUCH!
I have made judgments about other parents. I have voiced these judgments to others. What if they heard me? What if I made some hard working uber loving mother cry?
That was a hard pill to swallow.
Since that night I have been paying close attention to how I judge myself and others. Interestingly enough I have caught myself saying to myself exactly what that parent said about me! I have also caught myself judging moms, dads and everyone.
Now when I hear the words that the mom in the parking lot spoke about me run through my head, I take a deep breath and say to myself, "You are an awesome mom Virginia."
Now when I catch myself judging anyone in my head, I don't say it out loud. I do what my mom taught me, I send a prayer of love.
Thank you lovely woman who made me cry. You taught me a great lesson.
Don't judge. Love instead.
After the tears came the' back at ya' thoughts.
Then came the praying and the journaling and the knowing.
I am just as guilty. OUCH!
I have made judgments about other parents. I have voiced these judgments to others. What if they heard me? What if I made some hard working uber loving mother cry?
That was a hard pill to swallow.
Since that night I have been paying close attention to how I judge myself and others. Interestingly enough I have caught myself saying to myself exactly what that parent said about me! I have also caught myself judging moms, dads and everyone.
Now when I hear the words that the mom in the parking lot spoke about me run through my head, I take a deep breath and say to myself, "You are an awesome mom Virginia."
Now when I catch myself judging anyone in my head, I don't say it out loud. I do what my mom taught me, I send a prayer of love.
Thank you lovely woman who made me cry. You taught me a great lesson.
Don't judge. Love instead.
Where Did the Time Go?
In the wee hours of the night I hear this, "Mom I think I am going to throw up."
I leap out of bed and head into the bathroom knowing exactly which child is in distress. His throw up voice is distinct and full of fear. He has always hated the throw up bug. Nobody likes it, but this child of mine has a deep aversion to vomit.
In my semi sleep state I enter the bathroom and all I feel is shock. My distressed child is six feet tall and 180 pounds. I know this. I see him everyday. Yet, shock waves run through me.
I comfort and do what I know this child needs when the throw up bug visits. Yet he is so big and I am so small in comparison.
It all works and I send him into bed with a bucket by his side and do all of the mommy love things.
I go back to bed and think, remember and never go back to sleep.
Where did the time go?
I remember Barney, the dinosaurs, the trucks, and Star Wars.
I think of the hard work he took on to be a better athlete all on his own.
I wonder if I did enough.
I try to imagine a day without hugging him. And I cry a bit.
I vow to hug him even more.
Next year he will be in college.
Where did the time go?
I leap out of bed and head into the bathroom knowing exactly which child is in distress. His throw up voice is distinct and full of fear. He has always hated the throw up bug. Nobody likes it, but this child of mine has a deep aversion to vomit.
In my semi sleep state I enter the bathroom and all I feel is shock. My distressed child is six feet tall and 180 pounds. I know this. I see him everyday. Yet, shock waves run through me.
I comfort and do what I know this child needs when the throw up bug visits. Yet he is so big and I am so small in comparison.
It all works and I send him into bed with a bucket by his side and do all of the mommy love things.
I go back to bed and think, remember and never go back to sleep.
Where did the time go?
I remember Barney, the dinosaurs, the trucks, and Star Wars.
I think of the hard work he took on to be a better athlete all on his own.
I wonder if I did enough.
I try to imagine a day without hugging him. And I cry a bit.
I vow to hug him even more.
Next year he will be in college.
Where did the time go?
A Course of Miracles
As I have mentioned before, each morning I read, meditate and write using the Course of Miracles as my guide.
Today's lesson:
A happy outcome to all things is sure. ACIM
What a comforting truth.
Today's lesson:
A happy outcome to all things is sure. ACIM
What a comforting truth.
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